The Great Key Farm

Ever wanted to key farm? Check below for my guide!

So once in a while, my wife and I get it into our heads that we need to get a Black Lion Ticket in order to buy the latest weapon skin. Before the Tormented Skins went up to 5, we decided that we should try to make the ugliest characters possible. Of course, this escalated into me making a huge series of different characters which contained some of the following:

  • Sir Husky, the shirtless, masculine, super sexy warrior that spent most of his whole key farm shirtless.
  • Captain Patrikson, a bearded pirate who was in love with a creepy necromancer named Death Granny–because hey, Captain Patrikson has no standards or dignity.
  • The aforementioned Death Granny, who was a creepy old lady that would lure children to her basement to take their soul. Ok, actually, she’d just flat out take people’s souls. This turned into a huge laughter fest (in a creepy way) over lines like:
    • Come in, sweetie! Granny wants to use your innards to make you a friend!
      • The lesson? Never trust a creepy old necromancer of a lady. You’d be better off going into a gingerbread house.
  • Ugly Mugg (where Big Nose Ted was a huge improvement)
  • Captain Keyrk
  • Poor Keypig (ok, the name started with me saying “Porkey Pig” and a guildie took it to a beautiful new level)
  • My terrible, ugly, Michael Jackson-David Bowie love child, whose name I completely forget (find that picture down below).
  • Benedict Cumberbatch.

That’s right. You heard me. Benedict Cumberbatch. Why? Because he’s awesome. Coolest voice on earth (tied with Leonard Nimoy, with Morgan Freeman coming in a close second).

When you can make any character you want for fun, why not make Benedict Cumberbatch?

When you can make any character you want for fun, why not make Benedict Cumberbatch?

If you could choose to be anyone for key farming, why wouldn’t you be Benedict Cumberbatch? Of course, the full name wouldn’t fit giving naming length restrictions, but come on! Sherlock, Khan, Smaug, and now an Elementalist. This guy is pretty awesome. Well, he was until he got his key… then he was deleted into the Mists, or wherever deleted toons go.

Asmund’s Guide to Key Farming

  1. Roll a Human with the commoner storyline. In timing all the quick storylines, this has been the quickest for me.
    • Hint: I much prefer using a Necromancer if I’m soloing.
      • If you choose Necro, use the intro to try to unlock as many Death Shroud traits as possible.
  2. After completion the introduction, be sure to grab a long-ranged weapon for whatever profession you’re using. Staff is usually a good choice for a lot of professions that use it, as they have a lot of AoEs, especially with the Necromancer.
  3. Follow your personal story, unlocking as many skills as possible for your chosen profession.
  4. When you reach the Personal Story quest, Infiltration, be sure to choose the hospital (not the orphanage).
  5. The Hospital in Jeopardy is much easier than Arson at the Orphanage. I find myself dying much less.
    • In your key farm, this is one of the hardest quests to do in the human commoner storyline.
    • Watch out for Deadeye Della, as her long-range attacks tend to do serious damage to an under-levelled character that key farmers are.
    • If you have too much trouble, do another heart or two to level up if needed.
    • Dodge, dodge, dodge.
    • Try to pull mobs out of the hospital, one by one if possible.
  6. Finally, you’ll reach the Commander, which is the last personal story quest before you get your key!
    • Let Logan and Anise do most of the effort on this battle.
    • Watch out for the Ministry Guards with rifles. They’ll snipe you before you get the chance to react.
    • Feel free to hang out in the cell for a little bit.
    • Once the boss goes down, you’re good to go!

Congratulations! You’ve gained a Black Lion Key! My wife and I duo it and usually take about 15-17 minutes per key. It’s an exciting thing to do, is very easy, and can sometimes be rewarding (if the great RNG gods show their favour on you), but the best part is making interesting characters–even the ugliest things you’ve ever seen.

I’ll leave my Michael Jackson-David Bowie freak to bid you adieu.



I’d love to see your ugly or creative key farmer creations! Link them below!


Confession: They Called Me Crazy

Ok, so it may be a little crazy to admit. I have a confession. I mean, it was a problem. Maybe more than a problem. They all said I was out of my mind. They said they’ve never done it before. They said I wasted my time and energy, all for nothing. Were they right? Was it possible that I royally screwed things up? They left me thinking, “what’s wrong with me?”

I have to confess to every single one of you. I’ve done the nastiest thing a person could ever do in an MMO… I deleted a fully geared out 80.

He was my first character. I had no clue what I was doing. I rolled a Charr Thief, made him huge, and thought it was hilarious. I was just excited to see Tyria for the first time, and I did. He had full exotics. He was a 400 Jeweller. He had finished the (the Trahearne Story) Personal Story. Yet I deleted him. Heck, I still haven’t used the Pact Victory Token from completing the game!

Wraxis was his name. So much time and effort was put into him. You’d think I’d miss him, but I don’t. I’m not sure if the Thief is a profession that doesn’t fit with me, or if I just had no clue what I was doing. Level 80 is always a game-changer, and I found no lasting love for the Thief; I found no lasting love for Wraxis Shadestorm. Maybe I didn’t have a deep enough connection for this character I created. I mean, that’s really important (as I mentioned in Something Old, Something New). Maybe my altoholism caught up with me, as I only had 5 slots at the time? Maybe I hit a point in my life where I just needed to do something drastic in order to cope?

Wraxis Cropped

Wraxis Shadestorm, Deceased.

This was probably the most extreme thing I’ve ever done in a game. My Sylvari Elementalist, Lefraeyn Whitethorn? Naw. She’s a love who I even got a commission done of her by comic artist and illustrator, Ember Cescon. Asmund Leifsting, my Norn Guardian? Nope. He’s the center of all that I love in GW2 (ok, so my wife talked me into getting that Total Makeover Kit instead of giving him the Norn-sized boot). So what was it? I might not really know today when I look back, but whatever it was, I guess Wraxis just didn’t cut it.

So I deleted him.

Have you ever done something crazy in a game that’s made everyone think you’re insane? I’d love to hear your experiences (and hopefully I’ll realize I’m not as insane as everyone thinks).